What’s next?


dsc04673So I’m sat here mulling over life. I’m in amazement of the past nine months and how much motherhood has changed me in a way I never thought possible. 

Not only did life change having a baby, life changed in my career too as I was made redundant, suddenly and swiftly, at 5 months pregnant. A career that, up until that point, I had enjoyed, it was a huge part of my identity. So having the rug sweeped from under me was a hard pill to swallow, especially because I knew the likeliness of getting a job before I gave birth was hard, and even harder was the fact I didn’t have a job to go back to after.

However, what I did do, was enjoy those months being off and pregnant, enjoyed all the nesting that I ended up doing, and spent a great deal of time, really bonding with my mum.I loved the days when I’d wake up with baby kicking me to the point where I may as well get out of bed. I loved the feelings of love when making bits and pieces in preparation for his arrival. I loved knowing that certain pieces of music excited him and singing to him made him kick inside.

So the question, I ask myself is, what next? Options are a plenty, but I’ve never felt so conflicted. I feel like wanting to stay at home and not miss a single moment of my darling son, as he grows so fast, and every day there is something new or interesting that’s caught his eye, or even just another day of him tugging my hair and trying to lick me or anything in sight. I also feel like prior to him being born, a huge part of my identity was my work and would I miss that? Would I miss those conversations in the outside world that isn’t baby related? I mean there’s only so much I can bite the ear off my local pharmacist, florist or Amazon delivery guy.

All I do know, is going through the pregnancy I went through, the redundancy and the birth that I did, I’m stronger than I think, and so are all mums out there. I also feel like the right step will come, perhaps through an accident, or just trial and error, but everything will be ok in the end. When I mull over this life, I think just how surreal it all is, how quickly time passes and before we know it, we’re out of here.

Whatever I’m going to do, I’ll be sure to continue to savour every moment of this time with the little one, before he gets too big to let me smother him in kisses! If you are going through a muddy patch or are a little bit like me, at a crossroads, then I invite you to also slow down and savour every day, and to give yourself a gift every day.

Til next time,

Mathurini xx

 

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