When I found out I was pregnant I wrote my first letter to bubba, and whilst I won’t share the entire passage on here, one part that jumps out at me is where I wrote “These first couple of days have been surreal I’ve felt both excitement and dread as to whether I’m worthy to have you and whether I’m going to be the best mum in the world.”
Looking back on this, I have to say, I’ve always wondered whether or not I’m doing the right thing, wracked by anxious first mum low self esteem and coupled with confusion over what every woman and their dog or cat has to say on how to bring up my child.
But I want to get back to this idea of worthiness. I’ve always been a person who has very strong in the self-belief department, like most people, everyone goes through testing times that makes us stronger, and having such strong people in my family, I thought I was pretty hard. Until I had a baby. That self built roof came tumbling right down straight after labour as I questioned what I know now is and was mother’s intuition and instinct. But why?
I think I forgot once I gave birth to make time for me. I got caught up in mastitis, thrush, is he putting on weight, is he happy, is he hot is he cold; questions after questions, doubts upon doubts. But what was I doing for me? Buddha says “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.
Besides the obvious of having no real time for me, I really think it is because, nothing really prepared me as to how much love comes with a baby, how much you think you already love it when it’s growing in you, but how much that bond can become even stronger, to the point where you wonder how it could be so powerful. I think it was that love that overwhelmed me, made me wonder if I was doing ok, if I was doing enough and if I was good enough. Now I know that it really doesn’t matter which baby crawls first, or which baby sleeps through the night. It doesn’t matter either that when someone says ‘Is your baby a good boy and sleeping through?’ and I said ‘He is amazing and, no, he doesn’t sleep through’,or if I react when someone says ‘Oh that’s because he’s breastfed, you should give him formula and he will sleep’ and I really want to hit them over the head and say ‘This is my choice’. Most of all, what on earth is ‘Best mum in the world’? All mums are doing their best, and I’ve always said, if I can be half the woman my mother is, my child will be fine.
Anyway my point I suppose is, worthiness to me now is about giving myself a pat on the shoulder every day and saying, ‘I’ve got this’. It’s me being proud of what I’m doing and learning every day from my little human. It’s about saying every day to myself that ‘I am enough’. If you are going through any of these emotions then I hope this helps you.